best friend

it’s Saturday
I’m cruising town
my window’s down
the midnight air’s
blowing my hair
the stars are out
I can almost hear you shout
“let’s get into something, something, something..…”
echoes full of doubt
I blink and then the moment’s gone
déjà vu, this is so wrong
this night
it could be perfect
but I got dressed for nothing
fuck it
this ain’t even worth it
listen
something’s missing
I’m the only one that seems to notice
it’s like my life is out of focus
looking in the review mirror
you’re nowhere near
and ain’t no way to sugar coat this
you broke your promise
my accomplice
partner in crime
until the end of time
what a fuckin’ lie
the only one I told my secrets
who knew me the deepest
even at my weakest
always by my side
of every party
you were the life
my purpose
when he broke my heart
you mixed my drinks
and made me laugh until I cried —
until it hurt less
without you, life is boring
dull and dreary
think of you and I get teary
as if you died
I’m in mourning
you left without any warning
and your kids, they miss their mom
pack up your pride
put the drugs aside
and come back home…
when can I expect you?
it’s better late than never
I have everything I need, except you
no pressure
but I’m waiting
I’ve been patient
damn, I hate this hiatus
I’d do anything to change this
need my right-hand back
you have everything I lack
when you’re gone
a piece of me is lost
my soul tied in a million knots
roller coaster ride of thoughts
my happiness is dead
I’m starting to losing hope
I’ll take another shot
it’s my only way to cope
I’m drowning in loneliness
knowing you left me for some dope…

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Still

I was in love once
but I was just a child
and he was my best friend
and we were young and I was wild (for him)
he’d do anything to see me laugh
his life was my smile
our love was pure
and innocent
my soul loved his
as though we’d met
in another time beyond this world
his touch silenced my butterflies
and I’ll never forget
his tongue inside my mouth, a tornado swirl
one forehead kiss from him could make my toes tingle, curl
today I can see the wrinkles in the corners of my eyes and mouth that started with a joke he probably told
and my heart dances with joy just knowing it was his hand I used to hold
fingers intertwined on nights when it was cold
the days
the months
the years have come and gone
marriage, kids, careers
we’ve both moved on
and I am grateful he found someone to love him like she does…
but sometimes I still hear his voice and the way he said my name
I still feel mud splashing on my face as we played football in the rain
as I sit here I still picture our spot up in the tree
and the plastic ring he gave to me when we were just 15
I still smell his blue sweater, the one I used to wear to sleep
I still see the railroad tracks where he taught me how to drive his camouflaged jeep
now I compare every man to him and no one can compete
I can still feel my fingertips running through his hair
and his head on my lap as we sat in the backroom on the little red chair
(my purple flowered underwear)
yesterday I drove past the driveway where he’d walk me home
still get flashbacks from July 4th
backseat, red Corolla on 8 Mile Road (lol)
I still miss warm summer nights stargazing on the playground at our park
and if I close my eyes long enough
I still see the bench where he carved my name inside a heart
any cool, calm breeze is still reminiscent of his whisper on my skin
and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever find a love like his again
simple and uncomplicated
it might be gone
but I still taste it
sweet just like his sweat upon my lips
love in its purest form
innocence
some might think I love him still
in a sense I guess I always will
my once in a lifetime
so long ago
and now all I have are memories to show
but I’ll find him my next time on this earth, I already know
because no matter where I go
my home is his soul…

twelve fourteen

4am starry morning
bottle of pink Moscato
between us both
intense conversation
I thought you had reservations
but without warning,
hesitation,
you pulled me in so close

damn you,
why’d you do it?
disappointment,
we’ve both been through it
so I thought you’d be different
than my past
but what the hell did I know?

said you always fall too fast
jumping in when you aren’t ready
you just want a love that lasts
let’s take it nice and steady,
slow

you needed time to stabilize
I needed consistency
still I soaked in every syllable
lost in so-called honest eyes
your endless abyss of lies
so bright I couldn’t see

walking uphill in the dust
your arms around my waist
blindly stumbling on lust
my long-time crush
you were the sweetest taste
unconsciously
my heart knew it was just a waste

yet I fell steep
and deep
and reckless
between each neck kiss
and affectionate caress
wouldn’t be so tough
if our lips had just connected less

whispered white lies
and deceptions
thought we were headed
in identical directions
I hate silent rejection
so loud I can sense it
you regret it
but I can’t forget it

I clung to every word you said
believed you to no end
and now I’m just a part-time person
one of many
stuck in your tangled web…